Failure Versus Success

What is failure? What is success? Do they vary depending upon circumstances?

This is a topic I have written about before, but cannot recall where...or when. Between regular journaling, running multiple blogs, multiple Facebook pages, multiple other social media accounts, I lose track of where I wrote/posted what. Add brain fog from chronic pain/illness, and I am sort of a disaster waiting to happen....or possibly already happening?

I tend to cycle back around to various topics over time.  I am not certain if this is because I do not learn the lesson the first time? Or, if it is because I am learning it at a deeper level each time? I prefer to think the latter, but it could be the former (see comment above regarding brain fog).

I have lived with pain and illness for so long that one would think I'd be used to them by now; used to the limitations, used to the difficulties. But, the reality is, for some reason I still think I can do things from before I got this sick, before I became this limited.

I am trying to be open, vulnerable. I am not good at being vulnerable. In fact, I expend precious energy toward appearing to be fine and normal. I view all as a learning experience, learning opportunity. I am going through some challenging times that are making very clear that I have no semblance of control over anything, that no matter how much I know, my body does not seem to follow suit. It is very hard to admit that in terms of what is often considered success, I am failing miserably.

Tiny bit about me that will be relevant. I have lived with constant pain well over a decade, fatigue intermittently since early teens, various massive flares, etc. Up until the past few years I could still manage to push through things. I no longer have that ability. Additionally, my background is in nutrition science and clinical research. This background can be helpful in learning about the various conditions I have, using my knowledge to manage things relatively well on my own, understand procedures, treatments, etc.  However, it is very hard for me to be objective with myself. It is is even harder to admit when things are beyond my ability, that I need help, then ask for and accept help.

I have a connective tissue disorder (Ehlers-Danlos syndrome) among other things. I also have a metabolic condition (polycystic ovary syndrome with insulin resistance). The connective tissue disorder basically means I have issues in every body system, including gastrointestinal. The metabolic condition means my body loves to gain weight, refuses to lose weight....without a lot of effort from me. In spite of challenges, I have had the metabolic condition/weight managed via lifestyle (physical activity, nutrition) alone for years.  However, at present, the multiple conditions are interacting and contributing to my body being overwhelmed and unable to manage as effectively.  So, I now find myself, the person who has had to fight for years to maintain a healthy weight from perspective of not gaining weight, now officially underweight. I have been unintentionally losing weight for months, saw it happening, thought it would stop on its own, when clear it was not going to do so, thought I could manage things myself. But, all of my efforts have failed to turn the situation around. I finally admitted I am out of my depth, called the doctor's office, to let them know the situation and that I thought I needed seen, needed help. They got back to me that I definitely need seen, testing,etc....um yeah. I at least still know when things are at critical points.

The conundrum across all medical providers is that my body needs to move, I am still recovering from surgery and accident injuries, I have multiple underlying chronic conditions. What we are trying to balance, is keep me moving enough to manage pain, fatigue, etc. Also, keep advancing with strengthening and rehab.  But, not moving so much that exercise becomes too great of stressor or expends too much energy.

I recently had sort of an aha moment with a conversation with a provider. Then a further aha moment, when I had a great day at the gym, great energy, felt confident I finally had weight stabilized based on earlier in the week, was hopeful weight was coming back up, then weighed at the gym and down another pound from last week. Oh. Sigh. I do not have anymore to lose. So, here I am trained in nutrition, cannot control my own weight. Feeling like a failure. Being vulnerable and admitting that.

However, there is always another perspective.  It is easy to spot the problems, takes more work to find what is going well. What is going well in this apparent mess? Well, I am getting stronger, I am making gains in rehab, gains in ability. So, although my efforts seem futile with respect to the weight issues, clearly they are aiding in multiple other areas. I am grateful for this.

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